Wow. This really is a roller coaster. I knew I didn't like them for a reason. Mom has been moved to an inpatient hospice unit at Arlington Memorial. We originally were going to try to come here for pain control then go home. Now with all the meds, she just will most likely stay here. I'm absolutely ok with that since I just want her comfortable.
When we got here, I expected much more from the doctor. I expected changes to her meds, but not taking several steps backward. The dr took most of her meds away. I was obviously upset by it, but was going to give it a chance. I'm thankful she has good nurses and are good advocates. She has been putting on a brave face and I want her to know its ok. The nurse today saw what I was saying when she won't complain but has tears in her eyes. Oh, that kills me! I would take her pain if I could. However, with the nurse seeing this and since they are great patient advocates, we talked with the dr to at least get back some of what she was on. Seemed to help some. Not nearly enough.
Monday, September 30, 2013
Today was a good day. Mom was awake most of the day and tonight, was definitely in a mood! We thumb wrestled, stuck our tongues out at each other, and laughed. She was making faces and noises, and just being all kinds of goofy. I loved every moment of it.
I was helping her wrote her thank you notes earlier and she started to write when she said "when I get out, we will have to do lunch." I worried about that. I had to ask if she understood why she was he and she said yes she said she was just being optimistic. Then a little later the social worker came around and she was talking about how she knows she's going to heaven and hoped to see her. I don't understand. I don't even know what to think anymore. She could be rallying one last time or she could be just doing her own thing. She did say she was proving me wrong....
I was helping her wrote her thank you notes earlier and she started to write when she said "when I get out, we will have to do lunch." I worried about that. I had to ask if she understood why she was he and she said yes she said she was just being optimistic. Then a little later the social worker came around and she was talking about how she knows she's going to heaven and hoped to see her. I don't understand. I don't even know what to think anymore. She could be rallying one last time or she could be just doing her own thing. She did say she was proving me wrong....
Sunday, September 22, 2013
Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God
It is funny how God speaks to us. That random verse that just pops into your head is the most recent way He has spoken to me. I have clung to Josh 1:9 for a while now. I am finding this verse in Psalms popping in my head more and more. I find that I have a hard time hearing through the "noise" of life. You get busy with work and family. You have tv, radio, books, computers, games....you name it, we have something to constantly keep us occupied. Its hard to just be still. I find myself not wanting to because that is when I start thinking. I need tasks and I need to be doing something, but I guess I am supposed to just be. Sitting in the hospital room, I am trying to just be still. I am reflecting a lot and not sure I am happy about all of it. Im sitting here, typing this watching my mother, my best friend, sleep in her bed. She looks so different from the woman she was even a week ago. The hardest thing is watching someone you love suffer and slip away slowly and not be able to do a thing about it. I am trained to ease pain and help those sick and injured. I sit here feeling helpless. As much pain as my mother is in, she rarely complains and even is worried about me in all this. Once a mother, always a mother. I have had some hard conversations with her and have even just done things for her sake. I have learned even more about her just by watching her. She will suffer in silence because she is afraid to be a burden. She is still worried about me, even as she is in a lot of pain. She worries about who will take care of me. I worry she is holding on just because of that. She has said she is ready to let go and be promoted to heaven. I pray that it is quick and in her sleep. I want her to not worry about me. I have amazing people in my life. I have a circle of the best friends a person could ask for. I have amazing church family who have all been great. Up until now, I really had no needs of anything. I will be leaning on those people coming this week. I know they are all praying as I have felt hands holding me up as I could not have done it on my own accord. I know those prayers have carried me through. For everyone who said if I needed anything to ask....here it comes. I hope you were prepared!!
It is funny how God speaks to us. That random verse that just pops into your head is the most recent way He has spoken to me. I have clung to Josh 1:9 for a while now. I am finding this verse in Psalms popping in my head more and more. I find that I have a hard time hearing through the "noise" of life. You get busy with work and family. You have tv, radio, books, computers, games....you name it, we have something to constantly keep us occupied. Its hard to just be still. I find myself not wanting to because that is when I start thinking. I need tasks and I need to be doing something, but I guess I am supposed to just be. Sitting in the hospital room, I am trying to just be still. I am reflecting a lot and not sure I am happy about all of it. Im sitting here, typing this watching my mother, my best friend, sleep in her bed. She looks so different from the woman she was even a week ago. The hardest thing is watching someone you love suffer and slip away slowly and not be able to do a thing about it. I am trained to ease pain and help those sick and injured. I sit here feeling helpless. As much pain as my mother is in, she rarely complains and even is worried about me in all this. Once a mother, always a mother. I have had some hard conversations with her and have even just done things for her sake. I have learned even more about her just by watching her. She will suffer in silence because she is afraid to be a burden. She is still worried about me, even as she is in a lot of pain. She worries about who will take care of me. I worry she is holding on just because of that. She has said she is ready to let go and be promoted to heaven. I pray that it is quick and in her sleep. I want her to not worry about me. I have amazing people in my life. I have a circle of the best friends a person could ask for. I have amazing church family who have all been great. Up until now, I really had no needs of anything. I will be leaning on those people coming this week. I know they are all praying as I have felt hands holding me up as I could not have done it on my own accord. I know those prayers have carried me through. For everyone who said if I needed anything to ask....here it comes. I hope you were prepared!!
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